Mommy the Retconner!
Mommy the Retconner!

Mommy the Retconner!


This is mommy feeding me in the high chair. She went to Costco and bought a million jars of baby food in 3 flavors: Banana & Mango (yum!), Blueberry & Cherry (yum!), and Apple & Broccoli (eh!) At least she remembers to feed me – that’s something.

In the background is Daddy! Ze Moo!

Mommy says that being pregnant is only for suckers! She says who, in the 21st, virtual world century, would go to all the time and expense of perfecting their mesh avatar body, only to stretch it out for 9 months? Mommy says the DNA lab is the only way to go. So, on one of his rare visits, mommy snipped 3 cm of daddy’s hair, took it to the DNA lab… and the result was… ME!!

You never know if daddy’s gonna be around or not. He’s busy in other worlds and stuff. But then he comes by sometimes. But daddy never holds me! 🙁 I think he thinks if he holds me he’ll have to pay child support or – horrors – change a diaper. Daddy seems cool and he says he likes me, but you can’t get very close to a daddy that never holds you.


If you were looking at this picture very closely and not distracted by my whining about baby food flavors or baby-lergic daddies, you might have noticed that in the hover text it says my name is “Earth Bigboots”, not “Earth Blaylock.” In Hollywood talk (similar to Baby Talk, but different) this is what is called “Retconning” (Retroactive Continuity). It’s when you change stuff from the past to fit what’s up now. “History flows fundamentally from the future into the past.” Something happens. Then later we tell stories to make the past fit the future (present)

This happens all the time in a big franchise like Star Wars. In Ep 4 Obi-Wan tells Luke that his father was killed by Darth Vader. Then, instead of being the bomb the studio expected, the movie does really well and gets a sequel. In Ep 5 Darth Vader tells Luke, “no, I’m your father”. See, “who’s your daddy” can be a retcon.

Anyway, if Luke Skywalker’s parents can be retconned, why can’t mine?

First Aero Bigboots was my mommy, and daddy was a football player she only slept with once. Now that Aero’s fallen asleep and, as befits a narcissistic artist, Vanessa’s calling all the shots, mommy Aero’s demoted to Auntie, and Auntie Vanessa is promoted to Mommy. And instead of a football player, daddy is a Free Culture Pirate who mommy is actually married to, but doesn’t seem to sleep with, but steals locks of his hair to make me!

It all makes perfect sense… right?

“History flows fundamentally from the future into the past.”

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